A man went to the doctor to hear the results of his tests. The doctor sat him down and told him, “I have some very bad news for you. I’m afraid that you’re afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease.”
To which the man replies, “Well isn’t there ANYTHING I can do, doc?”
“Hmmm… maybe you could go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths.” The doctor tells the patient.
“Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?”
“Probably not, but at least you’ll get used to being covered in dirt!”
“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to the islands next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
I have no idea and I’m hoping you’ll give me a clue.
“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
“Why don’t we make another appointment for later in the week.”
It is Thursday and I’m playing golf this afternoon, also, this a waste of my time. or, I need the money, so I’m charging you for another office visit.
“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.
“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be treated.
“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a large interest in the lab.
“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. If we wait, maybe it will go away by itself.
“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.
“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I can see that you are as sick as a dog, and I hope that I don’t catch anything.
“This should fix you up.”
I have no idea how it works. Probably in fourteen days or two weeks, which ever happens first, you will feel better.
“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! This guy isn’t sick after all.
“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better check the Internet to learn something about this disease.
“If those symptoms persist, please call next Monday for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank goodness I’m off next week.
This list apparently comes from a healthcare professional who has come across the following quotes from actual medical records dictated by physicians.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
The patient refused an autopsy.