An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument:

“Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is unhealthy. Here, eat this root.

• I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn’t concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again.

• I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

• I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. It was a sew-sew job.

• I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.

• I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

• I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

• I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn’t cut the mustard.

• I used to be a musician, but I wasn’t noteworthy.

• I used to be a doctor, but I didn’t have the patients.