Chuck, purchased a new laptop for his job. He travels a lot, and needs to have all the important information at his fingertips.

Unfortunately, in installing all the software an insidious new computer virus was also installed. This new virus randomly inserted profanity and scatological references into his printed copy, but didn’t display them on the screen. Since Chuck trusted his Spell Checker software, he never proofread his copy, and in short order he’d insulted most of his friends and all of his business associates.

When one of his more outspoken friends finally brought the situation to his attention, Chuck was very humiliated and became extremely depressed. He then developed an irrational desire to punish his computer, and he tried several methods to punish his computer for the grief it had brought him.

First, he attempted to cause corrosion of the power supply terminals by sprinkling them with sodium and calcium chloride from highway deicing barrels. Next, he scraped away the solder joints from the board. Finally he threw the whole system out the eighth floor window of his hotel.

Poor Chuck’s actions were reported to the Computer Protection Services. The next morning, he was arrested and charged with . . . a salted battery, breach of contacts, and making an obscene clone fall.

This is the new champ of the groaner awards–two, count ‘em, two groans in one joke!

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringers job. The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!” “No matter,” said the man, “observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop,who was this man?” “I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there’s a trivia question for you), the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, “Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened?” The first breathlessly asked, “Who is this man?” “I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop,”but he’s a deadringer for his brother.”

1. “The Lion Attacked” –Claude Yarmoff
2. “How to Write Big Books” –Warren Peace
3. “The Art of Archery” –Beau N. Arrow
4. “Songs for Children” –Barbara Blacksheep
5. “Irish Heart Surgery” –Angie O’Plasty
6. “Under the Bleachers” –Seymour Butts
7. “Desert Crossing” –I. Rhoda Camel
8. “School Truancy” –Marcus Absent