“I finally realized that I was afraid of death (as a Christian admitting that I was afraid of death is kind of scary).”
This piece is a continuation of "Parade of Hope" and what I believe is another chapter in my spiritual walk.
D uring this past Christmas I continued to have physical problems that had begun in the fall. I tried to tell myself that it was all the added stresses of Christmas. Just after the New Year. I had an appointment with a specialist. The specialist sent me for a test. I waited for the test. I had the test and waited for the results; more waiting, and more time for my mind to go back into the black zone. I continued to have other symptoms, and started to think that I was a hypochondriac. However, contrary to a hypochondriac, I didn't want to be sick. I was tired of going to the doctor and being sent for tests. I stopped asking people for prayer as I began to think that they must be tired of my health concerns.
Recently, Grant had two sermons on Heaven. I also happened to be reading a book by Ted Dekker called "The Slumber of Christianity". I don't think it was coincidence that these two events collided with each other. What Grant's sermon and the book did was help me to ask myself what I was so afraid of. I would go for prayer walks and just focus mostly on my health problems. I finally realized that I was afraid of death (as a Christian admitting that I was afraid of death is kind of scary). O.K. so I'm afraid of death, now what? That means that I don't trust God and don't believe in His promises. I didn't believe God therefore I was sinning! By this time I started reading a book by David Jeremiah about overcoming the giants in our life. The chapter on fear really spoke to me. I knew that then and there I had to deliberately start to take control of the fear that was out of control. I took David Jeremiah's advice and posted passages about fear all over the house. Every time my mind started to go into the black zone I read the passages. I started to get up earlier or at least start my day with Scripture instead of checking my email. I started to saturate myself with God. Every thought and I mean every thought I held captive to God. I prayed. I sang songs such as "The Lord is My Shepherd". I quoted verses such as: "I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me - I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me" (Phil. 4:13, Amplified), OR: "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you". (Psalm 9:9 & 10, NIV). As I reflected on the latter verse, I thought about Jesus on the cross crying out to God "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Something occurred to me that I've never thought about before. Jesus did experience the full separation from God. He had to in order for us to be redeemed. Yet, we will never have to experience that separation because of God's promise. No matter what dark and lonely place you may be in now, it will never compare to the darkness Jesus experienced in that moment.
As I went for prayer walks I used the JOY formula (Jesus, Others, Yourself). By the time I got to myself, it didn't seem to matter so much about my health and welfare. This takes effort and perseverance, especially when I have been fearful of my health since the early 90's. By the time I went to see the doctor for the test result, I had finally gotten to the place where I could honestly say that it didn't matter what happened. I had the confidence that God was in control and He would do what was best for me. You see, I never had gone for test results with that assurance before. I had gone hoping to find out that the results were negative. What a blessed freedom I began to experience trusting in God and being released from the bondage that the enemy had besieged me with.
Well, the test proved to be negative. Also, all the other tests that the family doctor sent me for had positive results. I am in good health. As a matter of fact the doctor told me I didn't have the heart valve problem that I was diagnosed with 10 years ago. She also told me I had the hips of a 20-year old (I'm 51)! I couldn't believe it! Not only am I O.K., I'm actually in very good health!
What did I learn from all this? My spiritual health was dismal. I honestly believe that God was giving me a wake-up call. I had drifted from spending any real quality prayer time with Him. Sure I prayed most days, but I really wasn't with Him. I hadn't read the Bible in a long time. So, I started reading the Bible again. Grant had mentioned in a recent Bible Study that we need to go back to our first love. I took that to heart. I remembered what it was like when I was first baptized into God's kingdom and started that walk with Him again.
I have now entered into God's rest. I am resting in Him. Most of my physical symptoms have stopped (although I do have a mild medical condition). I don't get anxious about everything. (The true test is standing in line at the grocery store when you are in a hurry). I don't get anxious about everyone else's problems as well as my own. I am experiencing a feeling of calmness like never before.
So how does this relate to Easter? To be honest with you for the first time in my life I truly feel resurrected. The black zone I mentioned earlier was like being enclosed in the tomb. Not only was it black but it was suffocating, choking me of life. Right now I ask you to close your eyes. Picture being inside the tomb that Christ was in. It is totally dark. It is stuffy and probably smelly. It is claustrophobic. It is lonely. Now pretend you have been 3 days in the tomb and the stone is slowly being rolled away. Gradually you see the brilliance of the sun seeping through the crack. Your eyes are having trouble adjusting to the light as it is so dazzling. Now you start to see a blue, blue sky with white fluffy clouds. You smell the freshness of the air filtering through. At this point there is enough room for you to inch your way outside. The warmth and dryness of the sun embraces you. You feel indescribable joy. You feel peace and freedom. You feel love. That is what Christ has done for me, that is what He has done for you! "He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him" (1Thess. 5:10).
Sheila is the best thing that ever happened to Grant (outside of Jesus)!