The fact that men are naturally drawn to the shiny allure of technology isn't just a cliche, it's a duty!
Now it may surprise you, but most preachers are basically human and a goodly portion of them are also men. This means that even preachers like technology. This of course, isn't always the case, but in my world it is.
Sadly the world of technology has often ignored the office and calling of preachers. So, part of my hope this year is to feed the creativity of the gadget geeks and, perhaps this year's Christmas list can someday become next year's Christmas reality.
So, without further adieu, the Christmas 2006 Edition of the Heavenly Top Ten is:
Top Ten Reasons For
Last Minute Christmas Shopping
- A Pulpit Electromagnet Pulse Generator(PEMP) -- with a press of a button all cell phones within a 300 metre radius will be knocked out for the entire service! Guaranteed to almost never interfere with pacemakers!
- A Membership to "Transitions Anonymous" (TA) -- for the preacher who feels compelled to use every slide transition available for his PowerPoint presentations!
- The Three Stooges Deluxe DVD collection with Sermon Illustration Annotations -- What sermon couldn't be made better with a video illustration from Curly, Larry and Moe?
- Clap-On-Clap-Off Star of Bethlehem Nightlight -- the nightlight has an LED display that guides the star around your room during the night. It can also be programed to guide you to the refrigerator after everyone else is asleep!
- "The Light of the World" Chistian Laser Pointer -- comes with an attachment to make the beam into the shape of a cross.(Also comes with a 666 attachment for those rare occassions when meetings go extra-long, or salesmen come to visit.) Use with caution! Don't aim at planes or wives!
- "THE PREACHER Automatic Voice Synthesizer" -- This gadget looks for monotone speach patterns and processes them into a more compelling presentation. Available vocal qualities/intonations include: Billy Graham, Bill Hybles, Rick Warren, James Earl Jones, Charlton Heston, Boris Karloff and Jay Leno's impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger!
- Hallelujah Chorus Alarm Clock -- it makes your wake ups heavenly!
- Force-Feedback Pews -- with these babies installed the congregation will not only hear your sermon, they'll feel it as well. Guaranteed to make seekers sensitive!
- "Youth Pastor Common Sense Governor" -- there'll be no more late-night calls or emergency board meetings with this little-blessing powered up! Set the"Common Sense Parameters" and sleep well on youth group night!
- And the number one Christmas Gadget for Techo-Preachers is:
- The "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth" Manual (BIBLE) -- it certainly isn't a gadget, and it may not be new technology, but it is timeless. It will never be outdated or lacking in truth or power!
