“I have turned on as many coping mechanisms as possible to get me this far in the year, but I know I can go no further.”
I wonder how many people have suffered the loss of a dear one this past year and are dreading the thought of enduring a Christmas without that loved one? I ask this question because I lost my dear Mother mid-summer and am squarely in that place of dread. I have turned on as many coping mechanisms as possible to get me this far in the year, but I know I can go no further.
All kinds of people have tried to comfort me with all kinds of well-meaning platitudes, but that has, quite frankly, been totally useless. Even those of no faith have tried to comfort and encourage me with "Well, at least you have your faith." But what exactly is meant by that - I have faith, therefore, I shouldn't grieve very much or too long because I will see that person again in the hereafter. That is indeed true, but that doesn't preclude the experience of the pain and grief over the absence of a loved one in the here and now!
I have had a very unusual experience in regards to the Lord since my Mum passed away - He has been constantly by my side, respectfully silent. He did try to cheer me up by answering a 3-year long prayer, and I was truly moved and cried for hours - it was my only moment of joy in the last 5 months. He has truly been a comfort in being there for me and for letting me just be.
It was while I was doing some research on Judaism that I came across a solution to my problem of dealing with Christmas without my Mum. In Judaism, when a child loses a parent they enter a year of mourning and during that year it is customary to avoid parties, social gatherings, plays, concerts, etc. Instead, the emphasis is on prayer, study and 'giving' (tzedakah), which things are seen as the way of honoring the life and memory of the one who passed away. The sense in Judaism is that you must not rush the mourner through the grieving process in any way.
What a blessed relief! I don't have to attend the Christmas parties. I don't have to 'put on' the Christmas cheer. I don't have to decorate my house, sing carols, cook turkey! I can miss my Mum. I can cry for her, for me, for my family, for our loss and our sorrow. The Lord knows that I truly appreciate His Advent but He also knows pain is not turned on and off like a faucet. There is a time and season for everything.
Scripture reminds us to "rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. (Rom 12:15)" Please remember - some of us are weeping.
Madelaine is a wonderful friend and writer. Thanks, Madie, for the gift of your considerable talents. Thanks even moreso for your willingness to share from your pain!—Grant